Yo jerks

Hey I was thinking about my "Nickanmes for my penis" entry that I made a couple of days ago, and I was thinking, "Man, that was funny stuff," but then I was thinking and I had an idea for the perfect nickname for penis if I was uncircumcized...that perfect nickname name is Oscar the Grouch. I think that's funny!

How Stella got her DVD of Vanilla Sky back

You know what's always funny?! When something wacky happens! That's why I think that this situation would be funny:
A young couple is sitting in a fancy restaurant, eating lobster and having an all-around fancy time! It is quite romantic...which makes the following conversation between these two lovers all the more silly...
Mark: "Katherine, we've been going out for a long time now...and I think you're just the best!"
Katherine: "Oh, Mark...right back atcha!"
Mark: "Oooh you're so sweet honey! Well...I've been thinking a lot lately...thinking about you, and me, and the long time that we've been going out for...and I have something I need to ask you."
Katherine: "Oh, Mark!"
Mark: "Hoo-boy, here we go...Katherine.........have you seen my baseball?"
Katherine: "Oh, Mark...yes, yes I have!!! Ohhhh, Mark, you've made me the happiest woman in the world!"
And then a tear comes to her eye and a guy with a violin comes out to play fancy violin music and also a waiter comes out with a bottle of champagne! And they drink their champagne and finish their lobster and then they go back to their apartment and then they have sex! Twice!

Nicknames for my penis

Lil' Random
Lil' Romeo
Shafty
The Boss
The No-Zone
The Cookie Inspector
The Impossible Dream
The Penetrator
The Intimidator
The Laugh Factory
The Concorde
Hurricane Frances
Hot Shit
Choo-choo Charlie
Dick Johnson
Dizzick Johnson
Peter DeFazio
Chairman Takeshi
Tony Hawk
Frank McCourt
Frankenstein
Wild Thing
The Thing
The King
Stephen King's "It"
Bowfinger
Finger Eleven
Nelly
Dre
Poppa Wu
Aesop Cock
Isildur's Bane
Snakey the Dick Snake
Jake the Snake
Penistron 5000
Spiderman 3
Mr. Penis
Mr. Mess
Mr. Yuk
Box Jellyfish
Ghost Dad
El Sploogo
Swami
Whiskas (because it's what cats want)
Commander William T. Riker (because he's #1)
Han Solo (because he always shoots first)
Damn, that's a nice, big list! If you are a woman and you want to assign a cool and sexy nickname your genitalia I recommend "The Box" because that's where the music's at! Which is actually the slogan for MTV2 but whatever! I don't think anybody will really catch that one.
A while ago I was thinking about the TV show called Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, or MXC as it's known in my hood. I was thinking...this show is pretty funny because it's got Japanese people eating shit (not literally, jeez) and they are always making poop jokes and stuff and I was wondering why there wasn't a poop joke in the show's name but then I thought about it and I had a Jessica Simpson Liquid Ice moment and I was like "Ohhh!" and when I said that that I kind of yelled it and it scared the shit out of my cat which ran right off of my bed and into a wall just like in that one video. And then I thought, "Wow, wouldn't it be tight if they had a show that was like Most Extreme Elimination Challenge except for cats instead of Japanese folks?" I don't know how it would work, but I bet you could get some great cat footage.

So step-off Bob expense reports can wait...Larry she's not interested in a second date.

Joss Stone sux

HA!

Green Day: fuck you. Don't want to be an American idiot? Well guess what, congratulations too late. Oh, snap...that sounds like a choice Green Day lyric...
We should have all gotten in a car crash after "Dookie"
I, Tre Cool listen to "Longview" and masturbate
We wanna be socially conscious fags
Well guess what, congratulations, too late
Seriously didn't NOFX already corner the market on semi-intelligent anti-Bush wannabe-anarchist shit half-punk crap? Well I guess not, good luck Green Day I bet you go double-diamond.
Chili...chili, baby, c'mon. Shouldn't the fact that Usher's first hit single was about cheating around have given you a hint that he might not be the best man in the biz? The lyrics might as well have been:
You make me want to fuck around on Chili like I've probably already done dozens of times but damn I still want to have her as my girlfriend
You go get pregnant but I will not be able to convince you to have an abortion now isn't this some drama....
Ohhhh life is soooooo tough for me Chili, this hurts me more than it hurts you.
Should have used a condom since I can't keep it in my jeans
Well I don't know about that. Usher is a fucking slimeball that's for sure. Did anybody see his VMA performance...shit, dude was making a fucking ass out of himself. Assuming Chili was in the in the audience, I hope her black ass was crackin up. Here is my impression of Chili in the audience at the VMA's in my mind because I feel bad for her:
Chili: "Hahahhahha *gasp* oh my *gasp* god oh no he's in the water...that shit be running all over his washboard abs *gasp* ahahahahha nigga B trippin...eeewwww, siiiiick!"
Well anyways if you saw that then you'd know what I mean. Usher was all in the water...it was weeeeird! Anyways, the point is, Usher, man, whether you are semi-ripped or not it does not matter you are still a fucker and if you want to have sex with more than one person at a time maybe you shouldn't hvae a girlfriend. Maybe you don't even deserve a girlfriend...then again, that "Yeah" song was really great, I loved it. Well, no, depsite how great your music might be, there's no excuse.
By the way what happened to that Usher baby? I guess it's floating around somewhere out there! I hope he's at least paying child support, cause dude has a lot of "el dinero"...comprende?!?!? Well I'm done ragging on Usher. You might even say that I'm "off the rag." Gotta go, later fags!
Oh by the way Joss Stone sucks more ass than the ghost of Freddie Mercury, but that's a slam for another entry...pop!

Facefest

Here is a photo of yours truly holding a bunch of framed photos which mean so, so much to me.

Oh shi

This is a picture I made, it's entitled "Richard Gere: Down But Not Out" and it also has the alternate title of "Richard Gere in the Forest of Mystery" and isn't it cool?! I guess it doesn't look quite like Richard Gere, but then again...neither do you.

Has anybody heard about this movie "A Shark's Tale"?! It's just a big rip off of Finding Nemo which is only like my favorite movie ever! Oh so there's a vegetarian shark, isn't that funny hahaha!?!?! Whoa but wait jeez that's exactly like in Finding Nemo! Also both movies were filmed in hi-tech computer graphics! C'mon jerks, if you are gonna rip off a movie, please rip off one that isn't so close to my heart.
I think it would be funny if Nelly had another video and it was just like the the Outkast "Roses" video exceeeept...you know that part where Big Boi comes into the auditorium with his jerks and they are like "SPEAKERBOXXX!!!" and then Andre 3000 and those other fags come out and they are like "THE LOVE BELOW!!!" you know that part? I think it would be funny if in Nelly's video a bunch of jerk Nellies came in and they were like "SWEAT!" and then a bunch of nerdy-type Nellies came out and they were like "SUIT!" ya that would make me crack up! But I guess that's just me, I think the word "suit" is funny. Aight I'm outta here, lata fags!

Dangerously cheesy

Fun in the Shun

.

Shaq in the toilet

.

Yo yo yo yo yo yo

My latest sass-terpiece...this one is called "G-Unit Jerks on the Loose...STOP!"

Spiderman 2 battles an ovarian cyst

Ch ch-ch ch-ch ch-ch-ch-ch ch-ch-ch ch-ch ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-cha-check it out

Virtuosity

I had completely forgotten about this movie until it came onto Sci-Fi just now...kind of a wacky representation of the virtual reality world, eh? The movie opens with a bunch of men in grey suits walking around. Oh so this is that internet thing I've heard about. Yah yah well anyways my question is, where's the guy in the "Cat in the Hat" hat jacking off into a rose bush? Well okay that's not the point, that's not even right. I don't even know what I'm saying...literally. I just like how any movie about the future is more a reflection of the era in which it was made than anything else. But of course you probably knew that. Ever seen the movie Rush Hour? Ya well so have I and it really doesn't have anything to do with the future.

Red red booze

Do you ever just weird-up a kitchen sink area cause it's fun? I mean it's just a sink it's already pretty filthy so as long as you are not shitting in it really everything goes. You know...like most sinks will have bowls fulls of water and food scraps just chillin so jesus just spit in something, it's not like anybody will notice. Also it's fun to like put all sorts of food ingredients into sink water cause it'll just look weird and funny and fuck it, ain't nobody gonna be like..."What the fuck were you doing in the sink last night?"
You know how some people are assholes and if you bump yourself or something and you are like "Oooooh, it really hurts." and some people will be like "Oh, whatever. You'll survive," ya know? Well, I think it would be funny if some guy beat up his wife and she was crying and she was like "Why did you do this aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah I looooove you soooo much ahhhhhhhhhh" and the guy is just like, "Oh, whatever. You'll survive." I think that would be funny. But then again I'm a jerk.
Have you ever heard that song by Los Lonely Boys called "How Far is Heaven?" well when I hear that song I really think there must be a heaven cause where else could music so beautiful come from??! Oh and by the way if we want to be all technical with our grammar it should be El Lonely Boys. What?
Tonight I was at some gal's house and there were a lot of fucking ladies and they were all going to the club and well sure enough an hour and a half later they were ready to go but I couldn't go cause I was like the only person there who wasn't 21 ya know and it was kind of awkward so I just started punching a bunch of women in the stomach. I guess they tried to stop me but I was a lot stronger than them and they were just like "Arrrrrrrrrgh!" and "Ooooooooog!" and at some point I just had to stop punching them cause I was laughing too hard.
Just kidding of course that never happened, ha! But really at one point there was this gal and she looked familiar for some reason and it kept bugging me, but then I figured it out and I walked up to her and I was like, "Allright, I'm probably gonna sound like a jerk saying this, but has anybody ever told you that you look a lot like Lisa Kudrow?" I guess that's not a good thing to say cause she didn't like it really at all! Well okay I know why cause she said "Uhhh, no I usually get Natalie Portman...I don't think Lisa Kudrow is really all that good looking." Well ya whatever it wasn't supposed to be a compliment, just an observation. Next time I tell a woman she looks like a celeb I think will tell her she looks like David Schwimmer. Yah, that's a good idea....not!
Man most people seem to have really shitty taste in music. I always hear people's rap mix cd's and I am just like "Uhhhhhhh..." Seriously, what the heck? I guess it's like "Well shit, if this is like some of the best rap music you've ever heard...wow you fucking suck." I don't know, I guess I don't really care what people like ya but ya know I guess it's hard being so much better than everybody else, ya know? Which ya know, let's be honest, I am.

Shut Em Down

Straight up nigga...mothafuckin shell shock nigga. Oh no Crank Yankers is on gtg.

True Life: I'm a Jerk (also known as a busta)

Ooooh, who's a good kitty!??! You are!! Yes, you are!! oooh do you want some food!?! Well first you're gonna have to walk around on two legs just like a little baaaaby! Oh no you don't like that but it's just cause you are a cat but what are you going to do!?!? Oooh I'm going to put a little cat dress on you then you will be a little gay person cat yay!!!!!!
Well hey just kidding folks whats up fags? Man have you any of you been watching MTV lately? There's some funky shit on that channel. Do you ever watch TV and somebody says shit and you are just like "I don't get it." Well I do that but it's mostly because I am really really good at breaking people apart especially when they are on TV and if I am not supposed to get it well that's what I say. Ya that's basically waht I did when I was watching crazy asshole actress on the D.L hughley late night show the other night. That semi-ugly gal from that not really popular TV show "Less Than Perfect" was on that show and like she was flirting with D.L. Hughley if you could call it that....I dunno I guess you just had to see it but yah, some people, when you put them in front of a camera they just start performing. Can't do nothin about it.
Man no really it must suck not to have a 7-inch cock...cause like if you don't, you're damned, but if your cock is like 10 inches dude what chick are you gonna put that in? Shaq's wife seems like a good cantidate. That gal must have an abnormally huge vagina...if you've ever seen her on Shaq cribs that's exactly what you were thinking. Man guys I have to go.....well anyways yah blah blah blah blah lata jerks

I like dayut

A funny situation

I had a funny idea about what would be funny. Okay I realize that when I say that you think "How could this possibly be be funny? I bet this isn't funny at all." Well fuck you yes it is trust me. Okay the idea is this:
Somebody is watching you shit. I mean like you are standing up, bent over spreading your ass cheeks about to shit on a tarp and watching you shit, that kinda shit. So this is a weird situation already and has probably never happened ever but just stick with me here folks...okay somebody is watching you shit, so what do they expect to see? A big fucking turd, right? Well what if, now imagine this person is staring right at your butthole as you are shitting, and get this, they see slowly a hot-dog come peeking out of your butt and then eventually the whole thing just flops out onto the floor. I think this would be funny cause hot dogs already have this kind of reverse-butthole distended drama outtie bellie button thing going on so if you see that coming out of a butt and you don't even expect it I imagine it would be quite artistic but kinda freaky! but funny, ya know? aight jerks gotta go latas skatas

Ya I'm the best

I was reading through my blogspot and I realized I am a genius. I've had a lot of genius moments, but I think I figured out my favorite one. One of my "old" entries featuring some fake story about some shit featured this:
Whoopi: "Penis fuck shit vagina nigger nigger oh, snap."
Tim Allen: "Whoopi...what are you doing here?"
Scott Peterson: "Hay guys what's going on in this conversation?"
LeBron James: "Nothing much Scottbot, just killing your pregnant wife on Christmas eve."
Scott Peterson: "Now wait just one moment, that's not poss cause I alredy did tha-....transformers."
LeBron James: "Haha Scott you are a wanksta that's why I wrote that song about you."
50 Cents: " Nigga you trippin, that was my song, I bet you didn't see this comin at your face." (50 Cents punches LeBron James in the face)
LeBron James: "What? Ow, that hurt."
hahahhaahhahahhahahha ohhhhh myyyyyyyy god oh wow isn't that fucking funny as shit? Ya...it fucking is! Great stuff.

King of the Hill

Aight a lot of fools be hatin' on King of the Hill but c'mon folks.....c'mon. This show kicks ass, if you really pay attention it's really fucking funny. I mean, any show that has the balls to use the term "narra' urethra" is just fine in my book. I haven't been to Texas since I was three years old but from what I hear this show is a near-perfect representation of suburban Lone-Star State bullshit stylee bullshit. I mean, fucking Kahn the asian guy gimme a break that shit is fucking funny and you know it. Just listen to Peggy Hill trying to rap in spanish and tell me your heart hasn't melted and I'll punch you! This show rocks my boat like nobody's business, so watch it! I mean they're still making new episodes of this, right? Why the fuck shouldn't they, it kicks ass.

The Big Chicago Beatbox Beat-up

What's up jerks?!?! Man last night I posted some shit as you can tell. I was fucked okay gimme a break. Last night I smoked up an 8th of weed minus like a bowl or two that I have left. I also drank plenty of booze, typical. I also lost 20 bucks, we'll see if I get that back. Basically I know where it might be....I had it at Jessica Phelp's new place but theeeeen I got home at some point and I didn't have it! So either I left it there in which case it's probably gone or I left it in Sam's car but fuuuuuck, I dunno. It's really still to early to be callin people so I'll just start drinking. Yeeeeah, booze, man. Yesterday I got two 30-packs of Budweiser man fuckin pimped out stylee whateva go to hell jerks.

Dr. Dre mothafucka

glllllllahobobeohefohe fuck you sonafbitch motherfuckin biggie trip nigga bullshit fuck you. Get a job beewop shoop a doop get a job.

Stunt 101

What waht
Ya oh, snap. Stunt blunt smoke

Oh the stars, man, the stars is beautiful tonight

Hey what's up fags how's it hangin jerks what's new? In case you ain't heard, get a job job fuck you asap po. Drop it like it's hot...

Yo whazzup jerks

Ya yo this is Randy X. in di hzzo whazzup jerks?!?! I just want to say to all the jerks out there; fuck you, fuck your cell-phone, fuck your pimp. Get a job, stabbo. Ding, ding. BWaZZZZOW

Yo whazzup

Whazzup nigs, what'm I sposda say?~~? Jeez well ya know maybe some people don't neeed shit about shit and maybe it'd just be edgy ya what smoke what yah.

Snappo

Face Brace

Hey guys a couple of entries ago I mentioned Manute Bol and I was thinking maybe some people might not know who that is but I found a cool page that explains everything you would ever need to know about this guy and it's right heeya! Enjoy!

Hey fags

What's up folks how's ya doin? I just want to say that I feel really good tonight...I feel like the shit...the good kind.

A Poem

"Soul Hole" by ME
theres a hole in my soul
it's bigger than manute bol
this is not just rock & roll
music makes me lose control

Dude trim your fucking unibrow

Guys, guys. What's the deal with the unibrows, men?!?! Guys seriously it's not hot at all, you aren't going to get any P-Town with your Bert-ass facial eyebrow jerk-off stlye bullshit. Seriously the only P-town you are gonna get is from some fat goth chick who has a unibrow fetish also she likes being filmed when she has sex for some weird reason. wow maybe you can tickle her clit with your second moustache. and tape it, and show your gay friends and it will be really awkward. unibrows are nasty...fucking, like, everybody knows that. Except you obsiously so anyways ya dude that's not a good look at all you definetly really need to do something about that asap.

Oh, snap

hmmmmmmm

P.S. Idiots, click on the picture for a better picture...duuhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

You'se a hooooo

I never thought I'd cry during "Martin" but a while ago I did. I was really sad but then Martin Lawrence magically came out the TV and we started to have sex. A lot of sex....hot stinky gay sex. After that we were just cuddling and Martin was holding me and he whispered into my ear "Random, I love you." and I was just like "Mmm." because as much as I liked fucking Martin Lawrence I knew he just wasn't magical gay boyfriend material. Then Martin started to cry and I called him a pussy and then he got really quiet and he slowly got up and walked towards the TV all naked and stuff and then he turn around and looked at me and one last tear rolled down his cheek and then he said "Martin Lawrence...awaaaayyyyyy!" and he dove headfirst back into the TV and he finished out the rest of his show but he was naked! Aaaaand then I woke up and it was all just a dream! But then I woke up again and I realized that it wasn't just a dream, it was all real and I knew that I would never see Martin again. But I still had a wad of his cum in my ass so I worked it out with chopsticks and glopped it on to a piece of paper and took it to the doctor and he implanted the seed into a generous young woman who is now going to be the surrogate mother for my little Martin Jr.! So even though Martin is now back in the TV for good, his memory will live on though his son! Gotta go, jerks! Keep eating those watermelons.

yo jerks

Yah it's true I am pretty fucking cool I am pretty smart like I have near-perfect grammar and spelling if I try ya know but sometimes I like to you know be casual amongst those who might not be as really smart as I am so I will just be like "No way, dude you are trippin" or something like that ya know? Oh well the point is get off my back and get out of my face if you are just gonna try and punch me even jokingly. Also you know what I hate, I hate when there is like any sort of weird subtext in a coversation especially when it's about me which is usually the thing a lot because I am a very commanding presence and I am extremely interesting to be around usually unless I am really tired then I am just out of it! But whateva folks gotta wrap this entry up but I'll be back with more sass asap!

President Frankenstein

raise the roof lol get on the bus

I haven't been sick in about two years.

No-Limit Texas............Hold Me

I have many named. My given name is Random Hova Butla....my nicknames are...Chonsil, Website, and Magic Pen Set. These be me only names, but they serve me well...arrrrrr, fuck ya'll.

Kurt Cobain was an emo-ass pussy faggot

Have you ever seen two guys comparing their pocket knives? It's like, jeez if you guys like knives so much, maybe you should get together and stab each other.
Last night I was watching Drew Barrymore on Conan O'Brien. Overall this episode had a lot of really funny moments, but watching Drew Barrymore babble a shitload was just kind of awkward. She's was coked out, or something, she kept saying shit that would make it sound like that. Britney Murphy on Conan was way worse, though.
At one point Conan and Drew started talking about voting, specifically how important it is for young people to vote. Conan had some good comments, but at one point he said "The reason why politicians don't appeal to young people is because you aren't voting." Conan might not think polticians are reaching out to the youth, but oh, how they try, how they try. The other night I was watching TV and I happened to catch John Kerry give a speech at Penn State. He opened with this:
"H-heeeeyyy!! Now tell me...do you kids like hip-hop?" Of course that never actually happened, but it does prove a good point: it seems like it's nearly impossible for politicians to try and connect with young people without somehow talking down to us. The "tricks" they use to make themselves more appealing to young adults are simplistic at best, or just plain insulting at worst. Maybe instead of trying to make themselves seem "cooler", politicians should have a thoughtful, sincere message that appeals to intelligent people everywhere. I mean, a lot of people my age are fucking idiots who shouldn't be allowed to vote and probably won't anyway...why not just say fuck it, go over their heads and make people who vote feel like they have a good reason. Do you jerks really want somebody to vote for you because you seem hip and rad? Well, yeah, okay, you do. Here's another fake John Kerry quote:
"This the most important election of our lives. Young people today are smart, they're informed, and they know what hangs in the balance.....the republicans want to take away your skateboards."
Part of the reason why 80's tunes sounds so cool is because the music is overproduced, especially the drums. The high end is often missing. This gives 80's music a washed out sound which is kind of a pale imitation of the sound created with vintage recording equipment/processing. Since the lead synth shit and the vocals are usually a little less muted they offer a nice contrast to the rest of he track. I could say more shit about this, but I'm straight.
Gotta go guys, but watch out for a cool thing coming up soon!

Bernie Mac in your fucking face

More Bernie Mac!

It's not your fault

I feel like tripping on drugs tonight...but I don't have anything that can make that happen....oh wait, yeah I do kinda....we'll see. Well that's not the point, really...the point is this:
I think there is only about one school of thought -- don't hang on to so much. Practically speaking, it is hard to do this -- I can always think of reasons to hang on to stuff, or acquire more things, but it is difficult to think of reasons why I should get rid of items. School of thought: get rid of it; school of practice: I might need this someday. So here are some useful ideas to get rid of 'it'. When you are at the point where you are going through things to give away (or to sell), set yourself a goal of, let's say, one-third; that is, "I'm going to get rid of 1/3 of these CDs.". Then when you reach the 1/3 point, try to go for another increment, maybe 1/3 of what remains -- make it a goal. Yeah, you're going to miss not having that Elvis Costello LP on vinyl, but you are also going to give up a bunch of stuff that you are not even going to think about. Another tip is that you can have a friend help you -- put the stuff into a pile for sale or give away and then have the friend deal with it...they bring you the money for what could be sold and then they figure out what to do with the rest. The friend thing helps you disengage from the moment of separation -- and if they can get you $30 for some old books, or clothing then spend fifteen of it and buy them a lunch; make a memory.

COLDPLAY

Ultimate fighting

Mr. 3000

Yo haterz, get outta my face

Last night I had a dream! Well actually it was just a few minutes ago since I ended up sleeping in super hard...shiiiit I had a reallllly prolonged dream last night! It started with me being in a house....some shit happened there that I barely forget and I was with some friends and confidants and we were going to a party! Or something! Well as we were leaving I realized I forgot my hat and I was like "Wait up I forgot my hat so hold on just a minute." and so then I went inside and found my hat which was some sports team hat and it was purple and it was a specific team but it probably doesn't actually exist but I think it was kind of like a mariners logo but it was a football team I think aaaanyways I also decided I needed to take a piss and then I forgot where I put my hat and I went back outside to meet my friends but they were already gone I guess! Well somehow I ended up going to the party anyway and when I got there it was fun fun fun! I don't remember the whole party but it was very eventful. A lot of my night was spent keeping track of my weed bags and talking to people and getting high which lasted for a surprisingly long time. I did a ton of shit which I forget but I did end up running around on the hills outside of the house where the party was at. People were thowing balls down the hills cause they were really steep...and then they would try and get them back! For some reason at one point i had picked up a small (about 4 inches tall) stuffed duck in a sailor suit or some sort of outfit and I accidentally dropped it off a balcony/porch type thing so I dove off and ran down this really steep hill and grabbed it! Well my party dream was just more of that wacky shit until the end at which point I was watching two ladies talking about how the party was winding down and they were gonna have to get their biz done asap! And they were just my type and kind of hanging on each other so I said what I'd normally say in this situation: "hey do you ladies wanna have sex?" and one of them replied immediately "ya, but let's make it quick" which of course is a total turn-on to guys since we love sex where the woman gets barely any enjoyment and well me and my dream ladies, we walked down some stairs and into this room and I was pumped up and I guess were about to have sex together when some other people came into the same room! and I was like "ohhh snap, what?" but I was like oh well, I guess these people just need a place to have sex too. Well more and more people started showing up until there were like at least 50 people in the room all sitting around in a circle. And then some crazy older gal started writing on a chalkboard or something and it was nuts and she was trying to teach us something and my dream has basically devolved into a college class! But then she had all the guys get up in the center of the circle and start walking around and the women had some crazy bidding, snagging frenzy and they picked the guys they wanted to have sex with and well I guess my dream ladies didn't pick me because then I was the only one still standing and I made a game out of it and I was walking around pointing at my crotch and saying shit like "c'mon ladies, who wants to fuck this." and after a few awkward moments some gal was like "ohhh, all-right" and then I went and sat down next to her and she was pretty okay looking and then somehow the crazy bitch with the blackboard started writing more shit on it! She was like "copy this down exactly as it's written on the board" and I realized I'd left my vest in the middle of the floor so I ran over and grabbed it and then when I got back I realized I didn't know what to write cause I hadn't listened and the blackboard was too far away for me to read since I should wear glasses plus I was dreaming and I was like wtf?!?1 and I was trying to copy off of other people but it wasn't happening and that's about when I woke up...isn't that FUCKED UP?!?!!?

Hey

Here it is my folks my masterpiece! It's Roy...from the tiger attack! today I was feeling a little sluggish to start the day and it continued for a while and then I felt pretty rockin again although I am sure I was nowhere near 100%. I have been kinda high all day though so I guess it's cool. I noticed tonight as I've noticed before that I am not as articulate as I'd like to be sometimes, but I get by! I think I need to just relax, and maybe one day I will. But until then it's work work wrok cause my work is never done and I am just a big pimper! Gotta go folks, keep on slammin down those brewskies...or die!

lighten up, guys

hahahaha

Getting Punk'D

The one time when Ashton Kutcher running at you with a big smile on his face isn't a bad thing!

Suit

Aight folks this is the first anual Booztown Picfest 2004 yo check this out I got a bunch of pics I stole from the i-net so here they are all of them:

i don't get it

oh no midget alert

ohhhh man

oh no he didn't do it no way

oh shit lol

Ohhhhh, snap

Stop hatin'

Hey whats up jerks!? Okay I just have to talk about the newest season of the real world which is starting now so get on it! It's a pretty insane group of jerks! Like there's the crazy gal and she is all nuts and shit and she seems to think she's got guys all figured out. The guy with the kind of uneven eyebrows is fixated on how comfortable he is around gay males. And there's a couple other jerks I forget about them maybe they should start being more interesting and then maybe next time I will write about whatever sexy crazy shit they did! What will happen next!!?!
Oh no september 11th is tomeerow and I haven't even barely gotten started on the decorations for my Sept. 11th party! No hey folks hey, hey, tooootally kidding that would be rude and not cool I'm not doing that. I mean I am kind of a jerk but I am not that much of a jerk! ya? gotta go guys KEEP ON SMOKIN

Oh no what happened to Hulk Hogan?!

This one is entitled "Punch City, USA - Population: Your Face"

Maroon 69

MArron 5 u suck1 You've got the "This Love" song that I was already sick of the first time I heard it, and you've got the "is anyone out there" song that is just gay faggy stuff and sounds like it should be a Bush song or something. And then you've got this new song which isn't any good at all and I think you need to go to fuck. I saw the Cribs with Maroon 5 and the lead singer came off as kind of an asshole. If you are reading this, you are probably a member of the band Maroon 5 fan, in which case you should quit right away cause Maroon 5 sucks.

Oh hell naw

Man Usher you big fuck-up! Your confessions suck! I mean you fucked around on Chili, dude. That's a prime piece of real estate right there man good luck with all that. I wonder what Chili thinks of all of Usher's bullshit! At the very least she could be like "Damn this music kind of sucks," which is a pretty valid criticism.
There's a gal named Amanda who I kind of know who is a friend of my friend and she, get this, has tattoo that of the word "random" just like the word in my name! No shit man, it's kind of funny. She didn't actually get it because it's my name in fact she got it long before we had ever met, isn't that fucked up?! Well anyways I was talking to Amanda online for the first time last night and at one point I called her a bitch after some totally neutral comment she made and then she said something else and then I was like "whoa that time of the month?" which is always a funny thing to say to a woman and after that she was just like "goodnight" and now I think man I shouldn't piss of somebody who has my name tattooed on them so I hope she is not too steamed whooa!
Okay guys just thought I'd throw that crap out there keep it real!

Today we're havin a show for no-nose Andy

Man the original Austin Powers is a really fucking funny movie! I mean, the other two are okay and all, but they are kind just of soulless and not nearly as sharp as the first one. Watching the third Austin Powers movie is a strange experience because there's plenty of shit happening on the screen but none of it really matters. Then again I've only seen it once and I was really really high so whateva.
Speaking of movies that kick ass you know what movie kicks ass? Half-Baked! I was reading some old reviews of that movie and it's funny cause like every reviewer is like "This movie isn't funny but it would be if you were high off weed! Har har!"
Hmmmmmmmm Half-Baked was good because it had a lot of shit that was really funny in it. Also because of Dave Chapelle. Here are some of my favorite lines from Half-Baked:
Dave Chapelle: "Bitch, you know what I want."
Dave: "And if you need any guinea pigs, my grandfather was in the Tuskeegee experiments." (paraphrased)
Samson: "Yes, Cuban b!"
Harlen Williams: "Yeah, you like popcorn dontcha? It makes your teeth go pop, pop."
Scarface: "Fuck you, fuck you, Fuck you, you're cool blah blah blah"
Dave: "Abba-Zaba, you my only friend."
Sir Smokes-A-Lot: "The docta said I need a backiotomy."
Kenny: "Now that is an official fullie man, yahh!"
And of course the Bob Saget thing! Also the Jon Stewart bit was pretty hot shit as well. Overall this movie kicks ass and I give it two very big thumbs up!
Have you seen the commercial on the TV for this crazy "scent stories" air freshener? That's the name of the thing! And just as you'd expect it's like a rotating smell dispenser that dispenses different smells! Isn't that nuts? There seems to be a pretty big market for good-smell emitting products right now, which just goes to show that's it's true what they say: all women are crazy!
Hey folks gotta go talk to u lates

Nigga shi

Whattup guys how's it slangin and bangin?!? Wow okay folks did anybody watch the first episode on the new season of VH1's "The Surreal Life"? When I first heard Flava Flav was gonna be in the cast I was like "Hell yeah, dat nigga crazy...in a good way!" Well shit Flav didn't disappoint! He is great cause he just says wacky funny shit all the time and he rocks my cock around the blocka block. Also he wears a fucking clock around his neck. At one point the crazy tall gal slaps him and without missing a beat he slaps her right back! It's tiiiiiight.
Here's some more Paul Stubbs jokes for ya:

Q: What do you get when you cross Paul Stubbs with an elephant?
A: An elephant that masturbates in public!

Q: What's the difference between Paul Stubbs and Rick James?
A: Paul Stubbs isn't dead!

Q: How do you make Paul Stubbs masturbate?
A: Put him in a classroom!

Q: Why did Paul Stubbs go blind?
A: He was in a bad car accident and suffered significant brain damage!

Hey, did you hear that they made a movie about Paul Stubbs? Yeah, it's called "Soul Plane."

Q: What does Paul Stubbs drink?
A: His own piss!

Q: Why didn't Paul Stubbs make the baseball team?
A: The coach said he spent too much time masturbating and not enough time practicing his swing.

Q: What's Paul Stubbs' favorite color?
A: White, the color of the semen that comes out of his penis when he masturbates in an inapproriate setting.

Ba-zing! Okay folks that's all I've got, now go out there and get a job!

A really funny joke that I made up

Paul Stubbs walks into a bar and starts masturbating.

Hey, I have an idea!

You know those two Hoobastank videos? Somebody should play them back-to-back and it would make a story that you could watch on your TV! Almost like a little mini-TV show except instead of actors you have musicians! It could be pretty cool...

Suck my big fat blowjob

People always askin me, "Randy B. what foods can you make man." and all I can say is, "I...I don't know!" so I decided to compile a comprehensive list of all the wonderful foods I can make...and here it is!
Food I can make:
-Hot Pockets
-Lean Pockets
-Ultra Supreme Hot Pockets
-Macaroni and cheese
-Biscuits
-Eggs
-Toad in the hole (it's some gay French thing don't ask)
-Grilled cheese sandwiches
-Tuna fish sandwiches
-Nachos
-Fresh-squeezed orange juice
whoa that's a tight list, if any of that stuff makes you want to have sex with me, drop me a line and we'll share a night of hot sex! And in the morning I just might make you some orange juice and a tuna fish sandwich, you slutty bitch!

Abba-Zaba, you my only friend

You know how they tell you that you can't judge a book by it's cover? Well I say, you can't judge a person by their cover either.
People are always pissing me off with their bullshit! It makes me want to kill them!! The thing that pisses me off the most, more than anything in the world, is when people use the word "literally" in the exact wrong context! The other day I was reading the internet and I read a brief story talking about how somebody "literally went nuts"...oh really, how does that work? I mean, c'mon. Well anywaysssss folks here's some jokes:

What's the best thing about getting a blowjob from an ethiopian girl?
You know she swallows.

How do you kill 200 flies in one go?
Hit an ethiopean in a face with a frying pan.

What do you call an ethiopean family portrait?
A barcode.

What was the last thing JFK Jr. had to drink?
Ocean spray.

What's black, long, and smells terrible?
The unemployment line.

Whats the difference between niggers and dog shit?
After a while the dog shit turns white and stops stinking.

Whats the difference between a Mexican and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of 4.

How many skaters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only one but it takes 20 tries!

Why do black men cry during sex?
Because of all the mace.

What's better than winning a gold medal in the special olympics?
Not being retarded.

Why aren't there any black astronauts?
No self respecting black man would go around saying "Yes, NASA." and "No, NASA."

How could the paparazzi tell that Princess Diana had dandruff?
Her head and shoulders were on the dashboard.

What do Japanese pirates say?
L!

Werner Heisenberg is speeding down a country road in his sports car. He flies right past a speed trap going at least twice the speed limit, and he's immediately pulled over by a traffic cop. The cop walks over to his driver's side window and asks him "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies:
"No, but I know exactly where I am."

What's 10 inches long and makes women scream?
Stillbirth.

What's brown and sits on a piano?
Beethoven's last movement.

What do you call a nigger in a tree with a briefcase?
Branch manager.

Why should blacks and mexicans never breed?
Their kids would be too lazy to steal.

How do you babysit a niglet?
Put Velcro on the ceiling and tell him to jump.

Hey, have you seen Stevie Wonder's new little baby boy?
Neither has he.

Why did Batman capture a lot of black guys?
Because black people steal shit.

A little boy wakes up in the morning and runs downstairs and sees his fater sitting down reading the newspaper.
"Daddy daddy! Guess how old I am today?!"
The father replied "I dunno son, how old?"
"I'm eleven!" the little boy said.
"Congratulations, son!"
The boy runs into the living room and sees his grandmother watching TV and drinking coffee.
"Grandma, Grandma, Guess how old I am!"
"Hmm... come a little closer so I can tell."
The boy steps closer until the grandmother reaches out and sticks her old wrinkly hand down the boys pants. After feeling around for a couple minutes she says "You're eleven." and takes her hand out of his pants.
The boy looks at her quizzicly. "How did you know?" he asks.
"I heard you tell your father."

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
You only need one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.

So, a guy brings his daughter to the doctor and asks if he can put her on birth control. The doctor asks "Why? Is your daughter sexually active?" and he replies "No, she just lays there like her mother."

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, feminists never change anything!

How does a Jewish pedophile tempt a child?
"Hey kid, wanna buy some candy?"

A girl is watching her father shower. She points to his penis and says, "Daddy, when will I get one of those?" He looks at his watch and says, "When your mother leaves for work!"

What does an old TV and a black person have in common?
The harder you hit them, the better they work.

What's brown and sticky?
My penis after fucking your 6 year old son.

What's the difference between acne and Michael Jackson?
Acne doesn't come on a kids face until he's 13.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant!

What do Dale Earndhart and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hits were the wall.

A guy was out for a night on the town and he happened to get lucky. Him and the woman agree to go back to her house for a little fun. As they are making out, the girl whispers in his ear.
"I'm going to go slip into something a little more comfortable. I hope you are in to kinky stuff.."
The guy looks back at her, winks, and says "I love kinky stuff."
So girl slips into the bedroom and comes back out a minute later with a bondage suit on and a whip. The guys stands up, puts on his jacket and starts for the door.
Confused, she says. "I thought you said you were into kinky stuff!"
He replies, "I am. I just fucked your dog and shit in your purse. I'm out of here."

Wow guys those were some funny jokes! I made them all up by the way. But anyways now I have to go pour myself a glass of soda, so bye!

Emo? More like homo!

Earlier today I had the distinct pleasure of watching a movie called "Bad Bizness." This was actually the first movie I had ever seen so I was totally excited to see what the big deal was all about. Hey folks just kidding, that's not true. Aaanyways, from the first moment I saw this movie in the video store I knew it was winner...you know a movie is gonna be sizzlin' hot when a sneering Master P and his tank medallion take up half of the front cover.

Bad Bizness is a sexy, mysterious thriller chronicling the adventures of two hotel security personnel, the female of whom is none other than the sultry Tracy Bingam. When slutty women start showing up dead, it's up to Tracy and her partner to catch the killer! These swanky jerks get way more than they bargained for when the "surfing championship" comes to "the island". I don't think they ever explain what island that is, but judging by these festive flower-print shirts Tracy and her partner sport in several scenes, it's probably a tropical island:

Ooh lah lah! Now, by this point you are probably wondering, "Where in the heck does Master P fit into all of this?" Well he doesn't, really! Master P is onscreen for less than 5 minutes, and he phones in all his lines. Master P plays the role of the man who I assume to be the owner of the murder hotel, the reclusive Mr. Carlson. He only interacts with the other characters in the movie through awkward "conference calls" made from P's Las Vegas...room. You can tell he's in in Sin City because he wears a nifty sun-visor embroidered with the words "Las Vegas." It's glaringly obvious that this Master P jizz biz was shabbily pieced into the movie and required minimal commitment from the busy record label mogul.

But hey, folks, it's all part of the charm of this film! From the opening scene onward, Bad Bizness is noticeable low-budget. In fact, the whole movie just feels really cheap and sleazy. I guess it starts when the first nudity shows up literally less than 2 minutes into the first scene, and the freakiness just builds up from there! Like yo a good 80% of the women who appear on-screen thoughout the film sport big ol' fake titties, so pretty much everything on-camera looks really cheap except for the breasts lol!
Ooh, ooh! Okay I haven't even mentioned the best part. Okay you know the surfing championship thing? Well okay there is no actual surfing in the movie at all it's kind of weird but oh well cause guess what we get?!? Lesbian surfer model hookers! That's right! Okay so it's hard to explain since it doesn't really make sense but there's this woman who runs an aquatic sports magazine called "WaterGirl" and she has these champion surfer babes working for her as models who she also pimps out and has sex with and they all have sex with each other! Ya got that? Well yah it's all quite romantic and sexy and makes for plenty of sassiness!
There's some allusion to these surfer lesbos using "drugs," but the only drug anybody actually takes is alcohol...and they take a shitload of alcohol!

People drinking is one the driving factors behind the plot of Bad Bizness...the bartender is a major character. Even when there is no professional drink dispenser around, somebody is always like "Would you like some booze?" or "Hey...have some booze," and it's tight! I have figured out a really fun drinking game that you can play while watching this movie, and it's called The Bad Bizness Booze Bonanza Bananaphone Drink-off! The rules are really simple: you watch Bad Bizness, and everytime somebody in the film takes a drink...take a drink! By the time the credits roll you should be really drunk, which is good cause I have a theory that Bad Business might actually seem like a real movie if you were really drunk. That is to say, you could probably trick an unassuming really drunk person into watching it without them getting keen to the general awkwardness which pervades every frame of this cinematic zygote. Then again, you can trick really drunk people into thinking a lot of things. It's fun to go to parties and not drink so that you can play logic games with the drunk people and make them sound stupid. Try it...trust me everyone will think it's soooo funny and ladies love jerks and they will probably already be drunk so you will probably have sex with them.
Okay so hey one of the wackiest parts of all this is they keep making a recurring joke about "ladies' night"! People keep asking what ladies' night is and somebody always answers "It's a night just for the ladies, silly billy!" and they keep hyping it up and making it sound all crazy and sexy and shit and when we finally get to see ladies night it's really gay (literally!) and wack! First of all there's a lot of guys at ladies' night, and it takes place in the same cheesy club/lounge as half of the other scenes in the film! It doesn't help that the music for ladies' night is Gospel funk, but by the point I noticed the jammin' tunes my rock-hard erection had already fizzled out into a marginally-hard erection.
Well anywaysssss somebody keeps killing off lesbian surfer model hookers and it's really, really obvious who it is very early on but I won't spoil it, you will just have to watch it for yourself but I will tell you one thing: it's not P! He is in Las Vegas, so he has an alibi. Well at some point in the movie things start to heat up and get crazy! They talk once about some upcoming surf carnival which probably has something to do with the surf championship thing and aaaanyways Tracy Bingam realizes she needs to solve the mystery fast or else the movie will never end! So she doesn't actually really do anything but in the end there is a final big confrontation in the booze lounge and it's really intense and shocking and you will love it so go rent Bad Bizness today it's a barrel of lols!

Operation Smoke Bowl

Hey peeps what’s up how’s it going? Well today I am gonna talk about some stuff that has been bugging me, so listen up!
First of all there’s underground rap which doesn’t really bug me in general but there’s some of these fags I just can’t stand! Like okay Slug, Aesop Rock, and Sage Francis you guys can all go get bent because you are really annoying and you all sound the same. They all have like this weird half-accent bullshit and I cannot stand it and I can’t listen to any of there jerks for more than 5 minutes without wanting to stop listening to them.
Neither of these three jerks is really even what you would consider on the fringe of hip-hop, though a lot of their appeal is that their fans can feel like they are all hardcore underground face shit well guess what that’s not true so sorry jerks! Slug was even on the newest X-Executioners album, X-Execute ‘Em Dead , on a track with Rob Zombie! And it’s a really gay song and Slug you big sell out I guess I would give a poop if I ever liked Slug in the first place…which I didn’t!
And how about Canibus, the eternally semi-obscure crazy guy rapper? Caniubus is a mysteriously sexy rapper with a lot of talent who seems to have lost his way a little bit! He did this one “diss-track” aimed at rapper and actor Eminem and it was basically Stan part 2 and it is pretty surreal and just awesome! In addition to rapping about that Eminem guy, Canibus is also likes to rap about basic chemistry and shit like that so he is like “Whoa I’ll go into the science lab and make a bomb to blow you up like a Taleban.” And shit like that.
Hey speaking of terrorists has anyone else noticed it seems like there’s a lot more spiders this summer than in summers past? Hell, I know I say that every year but this time I think it’s totally true! I have just been bogged down in one big spider soup and I can’t believe that I’m the only one who has noticed this! If you e-mail me your spider stories I will publish them right here in my blogspot and then we’ll all have a fun time reading about people’s crazy spider experiences! I will get the ball rolling:
A few days ago, no more than a week, I saw a spider on the wall in my room and it kinda freaked me out cause I didn’t see it right away until it got really close to my head and then I kinda jumped back and after the initial surprise I quickly got my shit together and then I ran into the kitchen and got a plastic cup and then I ran back to my room and luckily the spider hadn’t moved so I trapped it in the cup with my ninja reflexes and I put the City/Region section of the Register-Guard on top of the cup and took it outside and with a few quick shakes of the cup I was quickly rid of that sucker once and for all! It was sweet!
Does anybody else watch that Andy Dick Assistant shit? I love that shit, I think it’s pretty lol if ya ask me and I would like to see a season 2! Touché, Andy Dick, touché. Well so hey that’s all for today folks ya’ll keep it real! I’m sure I had something else that was funny that I wanted to say but I totally spaced it so maybe next time, jerks!