Emo? More like homo!

Earlier today I had the distinct pleasure of watching a movie called "Bad Bizness." This was actually the first movie I had ever seen so I was totally excited to see what the big deal was all about. Hey folks just kidding, that's not true. Aaanyways, from the first moment I saw this movie in the video store I knew it was winner...you know a movie is gonna be sizzlin' hot when a sneering Master P and his tank medallion take up half of the front cover.

Bad Bizness is a sexy, mysterious thriller chronicling the adventures of two hotel security personnel, the female of whom is none other than the sultry Tracy Bingam. When slutty women start showing up dead, it's up to Tracy and her partner to catch the killer! These swanky jerks get way more than they bargained for when the "surfing championship" comes to "the island". I don't think they ever explain what island that is, but judging by these festive flower-print shirts Tracy and her partner sport in several scenes, it's probably a tropical island:

Ooh lah lah! Now, by this point you are probably wondering, "Where in the heck does Master P fit into all of this?" Well he doesn't, really! Master P is onscreen for less than 5 minutes, and he phones in all his lines. Master P plays the role of the man who I assume to be the owner of the murder hotel, the reclusive Mr. Carlson. He only interacts with the other characters in the movie through awkward "conference calls" made from P's Las Vegas...room. You can tell he's in in Sin City because he wears a nifty sun-visor embroidered with the words "Las Vegas." It's glaringly obvious that this Master P jizz biz was shabbily pieced into the movie and required minimal commitment from the busy record label mogul.

But hey, folks, it's all part of the charm of this film! From the opening scene onward, Bad Bizness is noticeable low-budget. In fact, the whole movie just feels really cheap and sleazy. I guess it starts when the first nudity shows up literally less than 2 minutes into the first scene, and the freakiness just builds up from there! Like yo a good 80% of the women who appear on-screen thoughout the film sport big ol' fake titties, so pretty much everything on-camera looks really cheap except for the breasts lol!
Ooh, ooh! Okay I haven't even mentioned the best part. Okay you know the surfing championship thing? Well okay there is no actual surfing in the movie at all it's kind of weird but oh well cause guess what we get?!? Lesbian surfer model hookers! That's right! Okay so it's hard to explain since it doesn't really make sense but there's this woman who runs an aquatic sports magazine called "WaterGirl" and she has these champion surfer babes working for her as models who she also pimps out and has sex with and they all have sex with each other! Ya got that? Well yah it's all quite romantic and sexy and makes for plenty of sassiness!
There's some allusion to these surfer lesbos using "drugs," but the only drug anybody actually takes is alcohol...and they take a shitload of alcohol!

People drinking is one the driving factors behind the plot of Bad Bizness...the bartender is a major character. Even when there is no professional drink dispenser around, somebody is always like "Would you like some booze?" or "Hey...have some booze," and it's tight! I have figured out a really fun drinking game that you can play while watching this movie, and it's called The Bad Bizness Booze Bonanza Bananaphone Drink-off! The rules are really simple: you watch Bad Bizness, and everytime somebody in the film takes a drink...take a drink! By the time the credits roll you should be really drunk, which is good cause I have a theory that Bad Business might actually seem like a real movie if you were really drunk. That is to say, you could probably trick an unassuming really drunk person into watching it without them getting keen to the general awkwardness which pervades every frame of this cinematic zygote. Then again, you can trick really drunk people into thinking a lot of things. It's fun to go to parties and not drink so that you can play logic games with the drunk people and make them sound stupid. Try it...trust me everyone will think it's soooo funny and ladies love jerks and they will probably already be drunk so you will probably have sex with them.
Okay so hey one of the wackiest parts of all this is they keep making a recurring joke about "ladies' night"! People keep asking what ladies' night is and somebody always answers "It's a night just for the ladies, silly billy!" and they keep hyping it up and making it sound all crazy and sexy and shit and when we finally get to see ladies night it's really gay (literally!) and wack! First of all there's a lot of guys at ladies' night, and it takes place in the same cheesy club/lounge as half of the other scenes in the film! It doesn't help that the music for ladies' night is Gospel funk, but by the point I noticed the jammin' tunes my rock-hard erection had already fizzled out into a marginally-hard erection.
Well anywaysssss somebody keeps killing off lesbian surfer model hookers and it's really, really obvious who it is very early on but I won't spoil it, you will just have to watch it for yourself but I will tell you one thing: it's not P! He is in Las Vegas, so he has an alibi. Well at some point in the movie things start to heat up and get crazy! They talk once about some upcoming surf carnival which probably has something to do with the surf championship thing and aaaanyways Tracy Bingam realizes she needs to solve the mystery fast or else the movie will never end! So she doesn't actually really do anything but in the end there is a final big confrontation in the booze lounge and it's really intense and shocking and you will love it so go rent Bad Bizness today it's a barrel of lols!