Hello fags! Well my last post was made under the influence of booze, it was pretty good. I ended up getting pretty drunk, I had about 10 drinks. Most of my post was made from the 1-7 drinks range. I ended up conking out at about 7 O'Clock. BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO GET DRUNK AGAIN AND POST SOME MORE WACKINESS!
So, so people seem to be under the impression that I was the actor who played Robocop. Yeah, right! I was a kid, you fucking idiots.
KDUK's slogan is "Today's best music."........yeah, right! Not! Psyche!!! Fuck you!!!
Yeah I'm a really funny guy. So funny that I was allowed the honor of preforming comedy in front of him and make a bunch of tasteful jokes. My best joke went like this:
Me: "Mr. President, your penis is sooo small."
George W. Bush: "How, small, is it?"
Me: "Your penis is so small that you can't satisfy a woman! Plus you're impotent!"
George W. Bush: "Well sonny boy, lemme tell you something. I'm not impotent, and 'Little Kanye' certainly isn't little. Yo, check this out."
Well I'll be damned if the president didn't bust out a rock-hard 8-incher. I was like "Oh, shit!" and I started cracking up. My amazement only grew as George W. Bush held his hands over his head and did spirit fingers and a couple seconds later a thick stream of ejaculate skeeted right out of his penis. It flew over 20 feet across the room and gooped all over my face and hair. I said the only thing I could think of: "Nice shot, sir." The prez just stood there, his hands still held above his head, still doing spirit fingers, and then he winked at me. True story.
My God, dancehall fucking sucks. Speaking of Kanye West, AKA Jesus, that guy was in a car accident.
Sometimes I get really scared. Just kidding!!
Somebody should um invent doors that cats could open. For cats. So that way, if a cat wanted to open a door, it could just open it. Either that, or people could stop being lazy and just teach their fucking cats to use a fucking doorknobs. Jesus Christ! Blagabagogobooze!
Jay-Z got shot in his last video. I guess not only was it his last video, it was his last video. You can bet if I ever have a music video, it will end with me getting shot in some black and white cinematic faggot fashion. I only have two things to say about Jay-Z...okay three things: The man used to sell crack. The man thinks that it's important to have pictures of himself with other famous rappers sprinkled throughout his liner notes. The man obviously has low self-confidence. The man has been known to date Beyonce Knowles. The man kinda sucks. Big Pimpin. The man is covered in germs. The man is an artist...a sandwich artist, that is.
Speaking of germs and sandwiches...germs are fucking everywhere...even in your sandwich. Yes, the one you are eating right now. Cause I spit on the sun-dried tomatos. Also, that's not chocolate pudding. It's poop. But it's Oprah's poop.
Oh no, I'm losin' em, I'm losin' em. Okay, what I need right now is a wacky pop-culture refference that gets people high. Hey, have you seen that McDonalds commercial where it's the mom kind of rapping about feeding her kids McDonald's food cause she loves them? Yeah, that's pretty silly. Well, if it were up to me, it would be my mom in that commercial, and she would be rapping about being crazy. Cause my mom is crazy. And that's why my mom is different from your mom.
My hair looks like shit! Ha!!! Whoa I don't liiiike thhiiiiiiiiiiis
The human body is 95% water.
A venus fly trap will close its mouth thing only if the same hair in its the mouth thing is stimulated twice, but I can make you come just by looking at you. If you decide to trigger all the mouth thing mechanism of a venus fly trap at once, the plant will die.
Super Mario 64....is fucking genius. If you have not played Super Mario 64 for at least 50 hours you are a fucking loser and you are missing out, faggot homo. I wish I wasn't joking. No wait, I wish you'd suck my dick like it was 1994, Arsenio Hall. Yeah, you know what fuck you.
I think it's time to take a break from comedy and remember all the starving children in Africa. Just kidding, they have plenty o' food.
Keep your friends close, and your vibrator closer, am I right?
Come for the robets, stay for the blowjobs.
Here's a song that I wrote about the reader, who is you, fag:
Through the fire
To the limit to the wall
For the chance to be with you
I'd gladly risk it all
I read some fag story Kanye told about how he was a young Kanye and having trouble producing beats and some wise ol' guy was like "Sonny boy, you gotta sample." and Kanye talked about how it all came together at that point. Well congratulations, Kanye and the Chipmunks is the greatest super-producing team since Dr. Dre and um Andry Griffith. Yeah, well fuck you and your mom.
Oh my god you wouldn't believe it if I told you about the time I met Michael Jordan. He was with the Looney Tunes but I was able to sweep him off to an isolated area, where I had a heart-to-heart convosation with him about his recent (read: a few years ago) divorce. Here's what he told me:
"Man it really killed me inside. It wasn't my decision...my wife, whose name I can't remember, wanted out. I begged her to stay...I offered her lots of money to keep being my wife but it was no good, she left me. So I kicked her ass."
"Michael," I shouted, "you aren't supposed to beat up women. Eeeeeven if you are drunk and she called your mom crazy. At most, you could shove her really hard, but Jesus don't beat her up!" A look of remorse came across Michael Jordan's face. And then a big ghost shaped like a sparkly #23 shot out of his eyeballs and into the wall. And then he started tap-dancing and smiling really big-like. And he was tipping his top hat left and right. And it made me smile. I have to go.