Breaking news: we have a new pope

White smoke in the Vatican can only mean one thing: we have our 265th pope.
Pope Benedict XVI, also known as the elusive Joseph Ratzinger, was born April 16, 1927 in Marktl, Germany. While some would say that there's not much to know about a new pope before he becomes pope, others argue that this is actually the key to understanding who they were before they reached this higest position in the Catholic Church. This is especially true for the former Cdl. Ratzinger who spent most of his younger days figuratively walking the many roads of Germany, searching for truth and justice. His family was actually forced out of a town for their anti-Nazi beliefs if you can believe that! Despite his inital encounters with anti-Nazism, Ratzinger joined the Hitler Youth in his adolescent years, guarding a munitions factory or an anti-aircraft gun factory or something along those lines...but today he's changed his Nazi affiliated ways, that's for sure. Pope Benedict XVI now hates the Nazis with all guts and will in no way tolerate their presence in the clergy.
Many people are already taking bets on how long it will be before Pope Benedict will come visit us in "the states". I am going to guess 3 months maybe 6 months tops. If you think these sound like really good guesses, you may be surprised to find out that I really don't have any basis for guessing correctly and I'm just going off the top of my head.
If you are wondering what kind of changes Benedict XVI will be making in church doctorine and such, well, nobody knows yet we'll just have to wait and see! What we do know is that it would be pretty funny if he made something happen like Buddy Jesus in the movie Dogma that would be pretty great! I seriously doubt anything like this could ever actually in happen in real life, but you know what they say: real life imitates art.
One thing people may not know about Pope Benedict XVI is that the is an avid advocate of excercise and physical health. He starts every day with a one-hour workout, and when he's not tending to his many religious duties he enjoys going for lively walks through the streets of Berlin or Rome or wherever he might find himself. This Pope's message to all catholics is, "Use the power of God to get in shape! Pray for a long life of loving God, but also do something for yourself and go for a bike ride."
Some might be worried about whether or not Pope Benedict XVI can hope to fill the shoes left behind by the late John Paul II. Worry not, Dr. Ratzinger is alive with energy and faith in the Lord. Oh yeah did I mention he's also a doctor? As you can see he's the only man for the job, and I hope he's in everybody's thoughts and prayers tonight at dinner!