Blunts: big. Troops: supported. Flic: 100%

Okay folks I have a confession to make...I'm really great at sex. I can seriously make a women blow her load just by having her stare at my cock. This actually ends up being kind of awkward because these ladies I got just sit there staring at my cock while occasionally begging to suck it, but I'm just like, "Haha no." so they just keep staring at my cock and they try to play with their clits but I always say "Hey! Stop that...just stare at it." and they don't understand what's going on but then like 10 seconds later they have a huge orgasm and fall over on their sides and start spasming and they're like "Oh my god!" and then I crack up and blow my load all over them while they're on the ground. When I come I shoot out a thick stream of ejaculate for about 30 seconds straight and I'm always laughing my ass off the whole time.
Another thing about me and sex: I never use condoms. Whenever I'm at the club, there's always tons drunk chucks grabbing my shit, so then I get really turned on and take the hottest chick in the club back to my quad (or "the love shack" as I call it) and then I fuck the hell out of her without a condom. Sometimes I'm on top of a club bitch, about to penetrate her, and she's like, "You need to use a condom." and I'm like, "Haha, whatever." and then I throw my hips way up into the air as I prepare for a massive and extremely well-aimed thrust but she's like, "No, you don't understand, you need to use a condom." and then I'm like "Haha, whatever." and then I start fucking the shit out of her and pretty soon she's loving it. Now, at this point some of you might be asking yourself, "What the heck? What if one of those crazy club bitches gets pregnant? Isn't this a serious concern?" Hahahaha! <--- Does this look like the typed-out laughter of a man who has to be worried about getting a gal pregnant? No, it doesn't. You see, when I take a woman back to the love shack, I always make sure to fuck her so hard that her reproductive organs become incapable of functioning correctly. Of course, this leads to massive physical and psychological trauma, but what do I care? It's not like I'm ever gonna see these chicks again.
Now, at this point, some of you might be asking yourself, "How the fuck did this fuck get so fucking good at fucking?" Well, the same way I got to Carnegie Hall: practice, practice, practice. At this point, I've had sex with over 500 different women and they were all super hot. Here are some famous women who I've had sex with and a brief description of my encounters with them:
Britney Spears - Average lay. I fucked her on a roller coaster.
Colleen Nelson - Ragged pussy. Went deep throat on Lil' Gary and got makeup all over my crotch.
Rick Dancer - While technically not a woman, I can tell you that for one magical autumn night he was definetly my bitch.
Kirstie Alley - Insisted I fuck her anally. Her ass was smeared with crap, so I blindfolded her and then slammed her hole with a gigantic crayon-shaped piggy bank. She never found out.
Tori Amos - Huge labia.
Oprah - Ooh lah lah! Oh, Oprah, you'll always be my chocolate caramel sweet treat slut. The closest I'll ever come to true love!
Kitty Piercy - Funny enough, she actually has a pierced clit. No, not the hood...the clit.
Mia Hamm - The best 90-minute blowjob I've ever gotten.
Alicia Keys - Fucked her on top of a Casio keyboard. Ragged pussy.
Chaka Khan - I told her something good: "Suck my fucking dick, bitch."
Gwen Stefani - Weird. I fucked her backstage at The Source Awards, and due to an extremely rare birth defect her vagina and anus are actually one and the same. While I was fucking her, a big turd forced my dick out and I'll be damned if it didn't just stick there, hanging off the end of my large penis like a windsock hanging off of a pole at the airport. I tried bouncing around to get it off, but man, the turd sure was stuck on there. Gwen shot me a sly smile and said, "Here, let me get that for you." She proceeded to eat that sucker in 3 bites, turning her mouth region into a big shitty mess. Then she drew a big brown frowny face on my stomach with her tongue.
Cindy Crawford - Her crotch is littered with dozens upon dozens of huge, disgusting moles. Still, her vag is so tight that it could squeeze lemonade out of an astronaut's corpse.
Kelly Osbourne - Stupid hair.
Wow, that's a lot of crazy famous bitches! Now, you might have noticed that none of these encounters included any reference to my performing oral sex. This is because I absolutely refuse to put my mouth on any chick's pussy. That's just gross. Trust me, though, they don't give a shit once I start fucking them without a condom. And maaaan, when I drop it down into a bitch's ass, she wants to scream and shout with pure sexual satisfaction but she can't because my dick is so long that it somehow ends up snaking all the way through the gal's digestive system and comes out of her mouth. Yes, it looks really funny.
My most unique sexual "move" is one I like to call "The Sac(k)-town Smear". It starts with me wiping my dick all across a chick's face, covering it with my ample supply of pre-cum. When I do this, I'm probably getting dead skin cells all over my cock, but I try not to think about that. Anyway, after that I take my nuts, spread them apart, and start pressing each one really hard into the chick's eyeballs until one of us can't take it anymore. One time I actually pressed so hard that this gal's left eyeball popped out, and before I knew what happened my right nut was actually lodged inside of her eye socket! We both had a good laugh about that one.
Well, I have to think that I've provided plenty of anecdotal evidence of my sexual prowess, but before I go, I'd like to finish with a quick story about this time I was fucking some chick from the club. Yeah so we were "doing it" and everything was going fine, nothing out of the ordinairy. As usual, I was fucking up her insides real bad and she was saying lots of filthy shit and calling me "Grandpa Joe" under her breath. Then, without warning, she started going into convulsions and throwing up all over my leopard-print sheets. "Hey, you're fucking up my sheets, bitch!" I shouted, not realizing that she was having a massive seizure. As I became aware that something was seriously wrong, I quickly finished up and then took her to the emergency room on my Segway scooter. When we got there, a bunch of hospital attendants threw her on a stretcher and whisked her away to parts unknown. After a couple of hours of my nervously sitting in the waiting room, some doctor guy came out with a clipboard and walked over to me. "Hello, Mr. Zon, I'm Dr. O'Neal. How are you doing?" I stood up to shake his hand and replied, "I gotta tell ya, doc, I've been better." The doctor was like, "Ya fo sho. Well, I've got some good news and some bad news...which would you like to hear first?" Thinking for a second, I then said, "Gimme the bad news first, Doc...I can take it." A very solemn look came over Dr. O'Neal's face. "There's really no easy way to say this: your girlfriend has had a seizure, and is now in a coma. She's probably suffered significant brain damage, although it's really too early to tell. Right now we're just doing everything we can for her," he told me, looking straight into my eyes. "Actually," I began, trying my hardest to hold back a fit of giggles, "She's not my girlfriend, just some sexy bitch who grabbed my shit at the club. But still, that sucks...so, what's the good news?" I asked. Once again, that same solemn look returned to the doctor's face. "Well, there's no easy way to say this: you're really great at sex."