here's a buncha jokes I am trying to memorize so I can be funny forever:

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

What kind of tree do computers come from?
A factory. :)

Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman

Why can't hellen keller have any babies?
Because she's dead

A hunter is in the forest hunting. He gets a duck in his sights and he's just about to shoot it. Suddenly the duck turns to him with teary eyes and says "Please don't kill me."
The hunter lowers his gun and says to the duck, "I'm a hunter, you are a duck. I have to kill you because that is what I'm supposed to do. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you!"
So the duck looks at him and his eyes are still shimmering with tears and says, "because i LOVE YOU!"

What's blue and fucks old ladies?
Me in my lucky blue overcoat

What do you call Postman Pat when he's retired?
Pat.

Why do women wear makeup and perfume?
Because they are ugly and they stink!

What's big and grey and sits in the middle of a corn field?
A filing cabinet.

Why did the scare-crow get the job?
Because he was outstanding in his field

What did the mexican say after the housing project collapsed on him?
Get off me, homes.

What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Hensons's funeral?
Nothing.

What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe?
Roberto

After 5 hours of intense labor a woman finally has her baby. The doctor looks at the baby for a bit and shrugs, grabs the umbilical cord, swings the baby around his head a couple of times and smash's it against the wall. The woman starts screaming and yelling and the doctor yells "April fools!! April fools!! the baby was already dead!"

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

What did Ernie say when Bert asked him if he wanted ice cream?
Sure-Bert

Two Palestinian women are showing each other family photos.
"This is a picture of Abdul, our eldest. He turned 21 last year" Says the first, "but he has become a martyr now."
The second woman nods and offers her condolences.
"And this," the first continues, "This is a picture of Masoud, our middle child. He martyred himself this year at the age of nineteen"
The second woman clucks her tongue sympathetically.
"And this is young Ali, he was seventeen when he martyred himself," The first woman now has tears in her eyes, "and it seems like just yesterday I was teaching him to walk!"
So the second woman puts her arm on the first's shoulder and says: "I know, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
ba-doom-ch

what was the last thing to go through kurt cobain's mind?
his teeth.

What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?
Philippe Philoppe

two cats decide to have a swim race. one of the swimming cats is named "One-Two-Three" and the other is named "Un-Duex-Trois". Which cat won the race?
One-Two-Three because the Un-Duex-Trois quatre cinq!

in the same vein...
What do you call four Mexicans drowning?
Quatro Sinko.

How do you stop your wife from drowning?
Take your foot off her head.

A guy walks into his psychiatrists office buck naked wrapped up in Saran Wrap. The Dr. says "I can clearly see your nuts"

A woman goes to the checkout line in a grocery store. While the clerk is ringing everything up, he says to the woman, "You must not be married." Surprised, the woman responds, "No, I'm not. How did you know?" The clerk replies, "Because you're ugly."

What's brown and hides in the attic?
The diarrhea of Anne Frank

What did the farmer say when he couldn't find his tractor?
Where's my tractor?

A woman is on the balcony of her high rise apartment and by accident she falls off. She falls down one story and is caught by her neighbor. "Oh my god thank you so much" says the woman, still being held over the edge. The man replys "so, you gonna fuck me?" The woman, shocked says "What? no." And the man responds by dropping her. She falls for another story and is caught by another man. "Thank you so much" she says, still being held over the edge. "So you gonna suck my dick?" replies the man. The woman, again shocked says "Oh my god No" and the man drops her. She falls for another story and is once again caught by a man. Not to make the same mistake 3 times she says, still hanging, "thank you, I'll fuck you I'll suck your dick or whatever you want." The man replys "ewww, slut." and drops her.

hehehe aaaand last but not least:
Where do ants live?
Antarctica

thanks you I made all these up, of course, because I am the best.